Trying to write through it

I keep staring at this blank screen trying to find the right words. I wanted to share this part of my story to help others, but how do I help others if I don’t even have the right words to say? How do I help others if writing is the hardest thing to do right now? I haven’t really opened up to anyone about how I feel. All most people know is that I’m depressed and they know why for the most part. I haven’t talked about what’s going on inside of me. I haven’t let the tears fall. I haven’t let anyone comfort me and tell me it’s going to be okay. I was talking to a friend last night and I told her that I was afraid to talk about this because if I start crying, I’m afraid I’ll never stop. A part of me feels like I can’t even cry though. I feel like there is no emotion inside of me. I feel empty and yet… I feel pain and sadness. I have rare moments of happiness, like when my boys do something silly and the smile comes naturally, but then the happiness fades almost as fast as it came and I’m back to feeling empty again. I have moments of anger. I know I need to get passed the anger, I’m so mad that I became depressed. I’m so pissed off that I’m struggling to pull myself out of this mess.



I keep getting told I’m going to get through this. To just hang in there because this will eventually pass. I know it will, I know I will make it through this too. It’s just trying to make it through that is the hard part. It’s the holding on and fighting through it that is the hard part. It’s the forced smiles and forced laughs that’s hard. It’s the way I feel inside that I can’t even explain that’s hard. It’s looking around and wondering if I’m ever going to get back to normal, if I’m ever going to be able to do anything without forcing myself to do it that’s hard. Writing has always helped me before and I’m hoping writing will help me this time too, even if I have to force myself to do it.

Fighting this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know I’m strong enough to get through it.

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Depression really does hurt

I remember when the discs in my back first herniated. I remember crying and crying a lot. I remember being scared and wondering what was going to happen next. It’s been nine months since I found out. Nine months of my life changing so drastically. It’s been nine months of not being able to give my boys piggy back rides. Nine months of not being able to pick them up and carry them when they ask me to. Nine months of not being able to run around and play with them for more than five minutes at a time. Nine months of not being able to spin them around and hear their laughter pierce the air. There has been too much of me telling them, “Honey, I can’t do that right now.” Or “Baby, we will play in a little bit.” I haven’t been able to work out and I’m starting to gain weight because of it, not a lot, but to me… it’s noticeable. I haven’t been able to clean without hurting. I can’t sit for too long and I can’t stand for too long. I have to sleep in one position in bed. My husband has held me while I've cried and rubbed my back when I just can’t move. Nine months of all of that and so much more. I kept telling myself it was okay. My life changed, but IT’S OKAY because I have so many blessings. I may be in pain and I may not be able to do everything I want to do, but God has blessed me in so many other ways throughout my 25 years of life so far. I told myself there was no way in hell I was going to slip into sadness or depression. There was no way in hell I was going to let myself sink.



The thing about depression though, is that it’s like fog. It slowly starts to creep in. It’s small things at first that you may not even notice until more things start happening and then it hits you all at once and you just can’t believe it. I started noticing that I was tired a lot. Like, annoyingly tired and it was getting on my nerves. I noticed my emotions were weird. I either felt like flying off the handle or crying over nothing. I noticed my lack of appetite. Everything just seemed to be changing and then I found myself engulfed in it. I found myself not wanting to do anything. I didn’t want to blog. I didn't want to read or write. I didn't want to go anywhere. I wanted to stay in my PJs and curl up on the couch. I noticed that I had to force myself to clean. I had to force myself to get things ready for Jay’s birthday party. I had to force myself to go to the grocery store. I had to force myself to get ready for the day.

I've found myself just wanting to cry. I am fighting back tears several times a day. I feel an utter sadness. A sadness that just surrounds me and takes over. My life has changed and I don’t know if it will ever be back to normal. I don’t know if I will ever be myself again before the back pain started and I think that is what caused the depression, as well as not being able to do all the things I listed above. I have mini panic attacks when I think about the fact that I’m twenty five years old and I begin to wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. Monthly doctor visits, medicine, pain, having to fight through the pain to do the things I want to do. I wonder if this is how it’s going to be and it scares the living shit out of me. I never wanted to be depressed. I’m the type of person that looks for the Bright side of everything. Even when my back first got messed up, I was counting my blessings instead of being sad and now, I’m still counting them, but the pain of depression surrounds me right now.



This life is hard. Much harder than I ever imagined. I know I’ll get through this. I know I’ll pull myself out of this mess whether my back gets fixed or not, it’s just going to take time and I’m trying. I know I've got the lord’s strength to help me. “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I was talking to my best friend about this. I told her I feel like I’m failing at life right now. EVERYTHING is slipping through the cracks because of this depression. She informed that I was in fact "not failing and that life is hard and it took courage to seek help instead of ignore the problem." I’m trying to believe her. When I told her that I was pissed off at myself for being depressed because there are worse things to be depressed about, she told me "that was bullshit. That people who have never been depressed use that as a cop-out." She gave me encouraging words and I love her for that. She knew the right things to say and I love knowing she is here for me. Thank you Elle, from the bottom of my heart. To all of you who commented on my IG – thank you so much. All your words touched my heart and the out pouring of love and support has made me cry. I’m so thankful for each of you.

If I don’t blog as much or comment as much. If I seem distant or not myself. Just know I’m here and I’m just trying to pull myself out of this and get back to me.

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Happy 6th birthday Jay

Dear Jay,



You turn six years old today. How do I even begin to describe what you have done to my life these past six years? How do I even begin to describe the absolute joy you bring to my life? You made me a momma. I remember being so scared, I remember thinking that motherhood was going to be impossible. Sometimes it still is, but you make it all the more worth it. I thank God over and over that he blessed me with you. You are such an amazing little boy. You are growing up right before my very eyes and as I write this, I’m fighting back tears. It’s crazy how times flies. I feel like just yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time and all of a sudden I blinked and your six.

I want you to know I’m so proud of you, daddy and I both are. You are one of the best students in your class. Your teacher seriously brags about you all the time and it makes my heart swell. You have the sweetest soul I’ve ever seen. You believe in being nice and standing up to those who pick on you and others. You believe in peace above all else. Your love of God amazes me on a daily bases.





Your headstrong too. You and I but heads quite a bit, it’s not surprising and I kinda like it. It shows me that you know what you want and you will stand up for what you think is right or what you believe. You are a little storyteller. I love listening to you tell me whatever story has popped into your head. You have the funniest expressions and your eyes hold all of your emotions. Those beautiful blue/green eyes that holds depths of love. You are a wonderful big brother. You and Kage fight a bit, but at the end of the day, he’s your best friend and you would give anything for him and that is so amazing to see at six years old.





I could say so much more. Like how your laugh fills the room or how when you dance around the living room, energy radiates off of you like the sun. You bring joy wherever you go and it’s beautiful. I want you to always keep the important parts of you. Your selfless at six baffles me and I hope you hold onto it. Your sweetness, your honesty, your faith… hold onto it all. More than anything, hold onto the fact that you are beyond loved because love, it fills a person up and Jay, it flows out of you in waves. We love you so much and we are so proud of the wonderful boy you are.



We had your birthday party over the weekend and you had an absolute blast. We had a Disney planes theme birthday party. You were surrounded by friends and family that love you so much and I can’t wait to celebrate your birthday some more today!



I love you Jay, always and forever.

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Hate simply breeds more hate

My thoughts are all over the place with everything going on right now that I don't even know where to begin. For now though, I want to say this...

I’m so disappointed with blogging lately. Maybe that’s why I’ve unintentionally taken a step back. I’ve seen the snark, the cattiness, the jealously and the hate. It’s disgusted me and it’s made me question this community that I’m supposed to be a part of. American Blogger seems to have added fuel to this hate flame and it caught fire and it caught fire fast. Personally, I don’t care whether you are thrilled to see the movie or against it. I don’t care if you are jealous of it or you just think it’s ridiculous. I don’t care if you love all the women who were filmed or dislike every single one of them. What I do care about, is the pain that comes with all of this hate.

With everything going on, I feel like I just stepped through time and found myself in high school again. All you ever hear is how blogging is this “wonderful” community. How women uplift and inspire other women. How there is so much love to be found in this community. Where is that now? What the hell happened to that community? If all it takes is a 2 minute trailer featuring bloggers, to cause this community to fall, I would say it wasn’t very strong to begin with.

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YOU have a right to your opinion.
YOU have a right to feel hurt.
YOU have a right to ask questions.
YOU have a right to use your voice in whatever way you choose.

Just keep in mind, when you think it’s okay to use YOUR VOICE for hate, you wind up putting words out in this world that can NEVER be taken back and no matter what, people will always remember your words.

These bloggers aren’t celebrities who don’t give two shits what you think. No, these bloggers are writers like you and me, they are sharing their story. They care and I can only imagine all the pain that is circulating between everyone right now over a freaking two minute trailer. Just, next time you are ready to lash out because you’re mad, remember this…

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Because hate doesn’t do anyone any good. Hate simply breeds more hate. You can voice an opinion or disagree in a respectful way without putting more hate into this already hate filled world.

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