Friday, January 10, 2014

She needs a miracle

As I sit here and type, the hunger games is playing quietly on my TV, the house is almost completey dark and the rain is falling slowly from the sky. I just got back from having breakfast with my mom. When I walked Jay into school today, the rain drops were softly hitting us on the head, his little hand was in mine and he looked up at me.

A smile lit his face, “Mommy, I know a song about rain.”
I couldn’t help but smile back, wondering if it was the same one running through my head, “You do? Let’s hear it!”
“Rain, rain, go away.” He started.
“Come again another day.” I continued with him.

We kept singing until we hit the doors and it was such a sweet little memory on a gloomy day. Afterwards, I decided to grab some good ol McDonalds breakfast and head to my mom’s house. We ate and talked and the conversation was somewhat heavy and a lot is weighing on my heart as I write this. It’s hard for me to share this, I never wanted to have to write about this on my blog. I’m not even sure I will be able to hit publish, but I have to get it out. I have to let it go.

So please, grab a cup of coffee and join me as I tell you about losing someone who is still alive.

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve


My heart often aches for her. Not in the way that I feel sorry for her, but in a way that she still means something to me and it kills me to see this happening to her. For most of my life I thought I knew who she was and around the time I was nineteen, pregnant with my first baby, she showed up to my baby shower on drugs. She didn’t even care enough about this special moment in my life to show up sober, she didn’t care enough to be there for me. Once I figured out who she really was and what she was doing, I wanted to help her. I love her, of course I wanted to help her, how could I not? And so it began. The talks, the pleading and the promises to get better. The lies, the heartache and the tears that were shed. I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so much and cried so much because of one person.

As I sit here and write this I think of all that could have been. The memories we were supposed to make as we continued to grow up together. The memories our children could have made growing up together. The bond she was supposed to share with my children. The bond I was supposed to share with hers. I’ve watched her go down this path for so long. I’ve pleaded, yelled and talked to her. I tried to fix our family more times than I can count when she went on one of her destroying rages. I’ve begged her to get help, I’ve begged her to talk to me, to lean on me and to let me be there for her. I’ve let her cry as I listened and I’ve cried with her. For years, I’ve watched her destroy her life and everything in it.

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve


Now she’s finally spiraled out of control. I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to save her from herself. How many times I’ve told her to find God. How many tears I have shed from the pain that not only she has caused, but from the pain of watching her do this. From the pain of being utterly helpless. I’ve prayed and begged. My husband’s held me as I cried over this on more than one occasion. There was one day in particular, after the last time she had hurt me, hurt other people I love dearly. My husband sat on the couch and I was sitting on the floor. My legs were crossed, I was leaned forward, resting my head on my arms.

“I don’t know what to do anymore.” I admitted to him, “I’m supposed to be the fixer. I know God wants me to be because that’s what I’ve done for so long.” I paused, holding back tears before I went on, “I just don’t know if I have the strength to do it anymore.”
I’ll never forget what he said, “Cassie, honestly, how much can one person take? How many times can you keep doing this?”
I shook my head slowly, wanting so badly to deny that he was right and I couldn’t, “I can’t.” I whispered.
I saw the understanding in his eyes, “Then don’t.”

She needs a miracle via @clivelaughl0ve


It was in that moment that I decided this was no longer in my hands. I have tried everything in the book to help her and I have forgiven here countless times. I had to let her go. I had to lose someone I loved. I told my mom this morning, “I’m afraid we are really going to lose her. I don’t want to have to bury my sister.” A lump formed in my throat that I had to swallow.

If you have ever watched a loved one go down a destructive path, you understand the helplessness I’m feeling, that most of my family is feeling. What makes it even worse is she doesn’t even care. She doesn’t care how her life is turning out, she doesn’t care that she has burned every bridge, she doesn’t care that she has hurt all the people who were there for her and it kills me.

The only thing left to do is continue to pray for her and so, if we were meeting for coffee today, after I shared this story, I would ask. No, I would beg you to pray for her. Pray for a miracle to happen. She needs a miracle.

I'm linking up with Casey for on my heart & Alissa for coffee date.

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20 comments :

  1. I love the "forgive them even if they are not sorry" quote. Prayers.

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  2. Oh girl! I had a very similar conversation with my mom a couple years ago. I too, am a "fixer" and its killed me to have to watch my sister destroy her life. One day God showed me that all I can do is pray for her and lover her unconditionally. I can't fix er, change her or force her to make better choices. But when SHE is ready and God has done his work, I'll be there to help her pick up the pieces and find a way to create a life. Praying for you sweet friend!

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  3. Yes honey all we can do is pray and as her Mother I continue to pray for her everyday that God shows her the way, a new path in life not the one she is continuing to travel before it is to late. I believe you have spoken this for all of this family who has helped her, tried to make her see and you can honestly look back and say, "I did everything I possibly could". It doesn't mean you have failed at your attempts because she has chosen to continue down this path. You have to step away so that it doesn't destroy your spirit, your family and your life. It doesn't mean your being selfish in doing so, for you have given it your best shot and that is all God as for. We all have and now she has to figure it out, it is not for us to do. She must do the work to straighten her life out or not. But, as a family we can't let this divide nor destroy us, we have to move forward with our lives and we will. I as her Mother can do so even with a heavy heart because I know that I have done everything in my power as her Mother to get her to open her eyes. Her choices are not a reflection of how I raised her, it took me a while to realize that.

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  4. Nothing i can say except I'm praying for you. I've watched my step - kids go thru the same things with their mother. It's heart breaking.

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  5. Love that quote and had to pin it! I am so sorry, I had a very close friend of mine that was on drugs for a long time she got off of them but then turned to alcohol and just continued down a destructive path I had to do the same and kind of let go for my own family it's always difficult but I can't image how much more when it's your family. beautifully honest post, I'm going to pray for you and your family right now ♥

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  6. ...and sweetheart, after our coffee...I would reach over the sofa and hug you. One day, your prayers will be answered but only when He thinks it's the right time. "All in His timing" is the hardest one to accept fully, but when it's all over (however He chooses) you will look back and say that it was how it was supposed to be. You are in His grip...and she is too. She will see that one day, too. Prayer Warriors Unite!

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  7. Thank you for sharing, this really has touched my heart. I will pray for her to find the strength to save herself, and I will pray for you to find peace in your heart. {{HUGS}}

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers and the hug. *hugs back*

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  8. oh my goodness, what a powerful and hard to write post. i can feel your heartache through this post. I am so sorry.

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  9. I have a similar story and many many other do, yet don't have the courage to talk about it. All you can do at this moment is pray and wait. Hardest thing to say, but there is truth there. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. May you find peace.

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    1. I'm sorry to hear you have a similar story, this type of story is not easy and it's even harder to write about. I just hope that in doing so, I am helping someone going through something similar know that they are not alone. Thank you Patti.

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  10. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but I'm so glad you're looking to God for help and guidance in this rough time.

    I saw a quote on instagram this morning that says this
    "My dear sisters, The Lord allows us to be tried and tested. Sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones - and maybe our own - figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring heavenly father would allow such things to happen. But he does not leave us in the ashes: he stands with open arms. Eagerly inviting us to come to him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where his spirit can dwell eternally" - Elaine S. Reeves.

    Stay strong

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    1. Thank you Tash, thank you so much for sharing that quote with me. I needed to read that.

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  11. Prayers for your sister, and prayers for your broken heart. It's hard to watch our loved ones make bad choices. {linking up with Alissa too} xoxo

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  12. I know this path all too well. Except is was my brother. And sadly we did have to bury him. And as hard as it was and still is to know I no longer have a sibling...the only way I can make it work for me in my head is to think that God finally called him home. He wasn't getting anywhere in life. He was hurting himself and others and I feel that God finally said you know what bub, you can't do this life by yourself any more. It's time to come home. I don't wish your pain/suffering/hurt/anger/helplessness on anyone. I wish I could help you make it all go away. I was/am the fixer too...but my brother was the better manipulator. Hugs and prayers my friend!! xo

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    1. I am SO sorry Taylor. That had to have been unbearably hard to have bury your brother. Watching the ones we love go down such a destructive road and feeling utterly helpless.. there are just no words to describe it. "I feel that God finally said you know what bub, you can't do this life by yourself any more. It's time to come home" This has a lump forming in my throat. Being the fixer is no easy task, as bad as it sounds, it's nice to know that I have someone I can talk to about this because you know all too well what it's like. love you friend! xoxo

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  13. God loves us. And we disappoint Him, and reject Him, and push Him away.. relentlessly pushing towards our own destruction, and away from him, each and every day. But He pulls back. As hard as we push against Him, He never gives up. His love for us is too strong.

    Your story speaks to my own heart, and of struggles I have felt as I have tried to pull my own friend from a similar path.

    Don't give up. Between you and God, she'll have the two most loving fighters on her side. Even though your efforts may seem wasted, keep trying.

    Pull back.

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  14. Oh Cassie. My heart aches for you. Sending prayers and lifting you all up. I can't imagine. Love you dear friend.

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  15. Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry. My brother is a suicidal drug addict and there are no words to adequately describe the pain everyone involved endures. It's something I personally keep close to the chest and have not publicly disclosed. Ever. Only a small handful of people in my life actually know (my husband and pastor). But I haven't been able to stop thinking about this post since it went up. Know that you all have been and continue to be in my prayers. You are not alone.

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